Episode 5 of The Bachelor with Chris Soules ended dramatically with no rose ceremony. Because of this, we are giving out awards to all of the girls as we recap the the action from episode 5. Let’s get it on!
The Bachelor Episode 5 Pseudo Award Ceremony
The Shameless Widow
Oh, that sounds harsh as the show ended with Kelsey having a panic attack. However, bear in mind, from the first episode of The Bachelor, I was rooting for Kelsey because of her situation. However, as the show has progressed, she’s oddly celebrating, and using, her widow status to claim a higher moral ground and manipulate Chris.
Ashley I wins the The Hypocrite award. Have you ever seen someone so fake accuse others of being so fake? She accused several people of being fake in this episode, including wholesome Midwesterner Whitney, while she back-stabs, criticizes, and puts-down every other girl on the show. Plus, she’s only in this to beat the other girls…not marry Chris. Seriously, Ashley I on a farm in Iowa. Let’s get real…because we know The Hypocrite won’t.
Who do you think wins this award? Have you done the research on your Bachelorettes? She was a Princess in a recent show, but she “shows” much more in various corners of the Internet. Not sure yet? Read more here…
Back Stabber!
In a revealing moment on their tantric date, Carly tells Chris that her last boyfriend never touched her, that she did not feel like a real women, and she revealed to the cameras that she feels somewhat inadequate next to all the other beautiful Bachelorettes. At this point, I’m rooting for her. Plus, she owns many of the best Bacehlorette comments, with the coup de grace being: “Her mouth is not a virgin”. So, how did she turn into an unappealing backstabber? Well, prior to Britt’s date, she provided much support to Britt and her fear of heights issue. Then, when the date with Britt obviously goes well, she does a 180 and criticizes everything about her. She went from hero to zero immediately. Carly, we are judging you not how you are in good times but bad too. And the judgement is pronounced: Backstabber!
I’ve never seen a girl so beautiful upon waking as Britt. As a guy (and perhaps you girls too), my first thought was: “Does she sleep with makeup on?”. Then I wondered whether she may have that perma-makeup thing going until the now backstabbing Carly confirmed that Britt sleeps in makeup. It makes you wonder: Could Sleeping Beauty Britt seriously exist on an Iowa farm?
Jordan was kicked off on Episode 2 of The Bachelor because she was a nearly fall down drunk and drove all the way from Colorado to try to win back Chris’s heart. This caused quite an uproar with the existing girls and I thought for a moment Jordan might be so nerve-whacked by the whole situation that she would get drunk again. Jordan’s definitely hotter than many remaining contestants but Chris did the right thing in sending her back to the bottle in Colorado.
Sweet little Mackenzie wins the Mommy Dearest award. We know Chris is not going to pick her in the end. He should probably send her back home to her child so she can communicate with those more on her level.
The Southern Savant
The show was bookmarked by Megan. In the beginning, Megan gets excited because they’re going to the beach…in New Mexico? And, if you didn’t stick around until the end, go back and watch it. She has a bit after the credits where she wonders why it’s called “New Mexico” instead of just “Mexico.” All on her own, without consulting anybody or doing any research, she deduced that there is already a Mexico and so this one needed to be New Mexico. And they say beauty and brains can’t co-exist.
Recently, I reviewed the movie Unbroken, which I didn’t particularly like. As I was thinking of the appropriate award for Samantha, the term Unspoken came to mind. She has nary uttered a sentence the whole show. If Chris was going to keep someone just for their looks, he should have kept Nikki; she didn’t do much on the show but she looked way better.
The first time I saw Whitney, I thought: “Hmmmm…she’s got quite a narrow face. Will she still be there in the end?” Lo and behold, Chris fancies Whitney (the Wedding Crash was quite bold!) and, while I don’t think she’ll be the winner, she’s still hangin’ in there.
Poor Becca, Ashley I has stolen all of her virginity thunder. I mean, you go 25 years as a virgin and then run into a seemingly promiscuous, Kardashian wannabe who is also a virgin. And she’s your competition? It just sucks sometimes being The Other Virgin!
Sometimes, you have the girl who thinks she knows what guys are all about, and what they don’t like in many girls, and she becomes The Guy’s Girl. That girl is Kaitlyn. She’s earned a few roses on her “journey” but, in the end, the guy is not going to marry the girl he would rather have a beer with than a child.
Richard Cummings
Get your copy of his latest book entitled Obvious Conclusions, stories of a Midwestern emigrant influenced and corrupted by many years living in San Francisco and abroad. It just received its first outstanding review "...reminiscent of David Sedaris or Augusten Burroughs" on Amazon UK.
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